Throughout most of my life I have always felt like an odd duck. I have felt like I have been on the outside looking in. I can’t say that I have felt this way “ever since I can remember” because I do remember a more innocent time where I felt like everyone else but it was brief and during a time where I was very young.
But ever since these feelings started, it felt like every aspect of myself was different. I don’t mean that I’m “”special”” by any means. Simply, I don’t feel like I fit in. My fashion choices always felt different. I was aware of it as a little kid (and obviously today) but never thought much of it when I was younger. I wanted to wear bold prints that would remind most people of the 70’s, where other little kids were wearing more modest clothes.
Other kids involved themselves in sports like soccer and dance, and at recess everyone played kickball. But I never felt coordinated enough and it didn’t suit my fancy. So I pursued piano. It may not seem very odd, but I pursued it before band was a thing, and my parents never pressured me into it, which is common when little kids get involved in instruments. I just wanted to do it and I loved it.
I have always tended towards activities that just involve myself (i.e piano, writing, and whatnot). Don’t get me wrong, I clearly love my hobbies, but it’s also isolating at times and is a reminder of me being different.
As I am older I am shown that I am different in other aspects. I am almost 20 years old and I don’t drink or do drugs out of choice. I’m just not interested! I choose to do homework when my peers choose to go on escapades. I decide to treat myself emotionally (stay inside, listen to music, and eat good food) when others choose to go on adventures.
I am content with what I do but the contrast between me and my peers makes me question my actions. Should I be out partying? Should I be wearing different clothes? Should I try more extroverted activities?
My mind and heart know that the answers to all of these questions are “no”. I should do me, whatever that entails. I know that if I went out to parties, I would only be doing it to fit in, and I don’t think any amount of socialization or alcohol would make me fit in or give me the illusion of fitting in. I could wear the exact same clothes as someone I consider “normal” and still feel incredibly insecure about my attire and body. And trying to get a massive introvert to do extroverted activities is a huge disaster…I would know from *forced* experience (because there are times where every introvert is forced into an extroverted situation, sadly).
I teeter back and forth. The internal argument is real. But I am trying to remind myself,
“You have to be odd to be number one” – Dr. Seuss.