Quote Journal

When my first year of college started I inadvertently put off journaling (in my personal journal) because of my new, busy life. I plan to take it up again sometime, it just doesn’t feel quite right yet.

Even though I kept, and continue to keep, my old journals, I almost never read my old entries. I find it embarrassing to review times in my life where I thought and felt so differently. It’s almost like two different people.

But today, I was talking with someone and they brought up the fact that I love quotes. And asked me if I kept my favorite quotes anywhere, and if so, where?

I have kept a quote journal for about a year now. I love it for so many different reasons. For one, it’s a way to keep nice thoughts that I can relate to or wish to live by. It’s also a nice reference book for when I need to write papers in school, or when I decide to write in here. My quote journal, I realized today, is also a nice, general way of documenting my feelings through time without being too embarrassed. Somebody else said the words that described my feelings in the time. Therefore, I can read it over and over again and remember that other people can relate, too. Also, a famous person from ages ago felt what I am feeling now, or felt three months ago. That connection is cool to me.

I heavily encourage people who enjoy quotes to keep a quote journal.

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Frustration and Other Therapies

In all honesty, I have been struggling with depression for the past few months. Since I have dealt with a couple of anxiety disorders for eight years, it hasn’t been completely uncommon to experience bouts of depression. Psychiatric disorders tend to come in groups or pairs. Although I have never been diagnosed with depression, it’s pretty safe to say that I deal with it from time to time.

Naturally, I’ve been experiencing the symptoms of depression. I have little desire to talk to or interact with people. Although I am already introverted, the desire to not interact with people is far more intense than normal and isn’t exactly rational. I can’t bring myself to text people back, and it’s a chore to bring myself skating sometimes. I know that, since it feels like a chore to go skating (skating is a hobby I really enjoy) that it means I should go even more. I feel “numb” on an emotional level, and I spend a lot of my evenings crying. I’m also pretty irritable, among other symptoms.

Alas, this post is not about depression.

I have been making great efforts to live a healthy lifestyle, both emotionally and physically speaking. I know that I need to go skating (because I don’t want to), see friends (because I don’t want to), be outside, and play piano. I also make efforts in other areas.

So, I’ve been doing piano. I’ve taught myself little ditty’s, but I have decided to teach myself a song that I have enjoyed since the beginning of freshman year. I want the song to remain unnamed until I finish it.

I have tried to learn this song on many occasions but have found myself too frustrated to continue.

The frustration has not gone away with time. Learning this song is still incredibly annoying. I get so angry at the piano that I will stop to yell incoherently or bang the keys. Yet this is somehow therapy? I do not understand.

I have surpassed the frustration where I want to quit learning the song and have gone right into the frustration where, if I don’t finish learning the song, I will go completely insane.

It better turn out nice!!

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Try

This past year was my first year of college. I was in a special program where some of my peers and I were required to take a class to understand how to be a good student. The major focuses were being motivated, being positive, and knowing yourself. When I took the class I found it a complete waste of time. A bullshit course, if you will. Looking back on what we learned, I find it inspirational and worthy of my time.

I know it’s a popular quote, but a quote was presented in my class, “Do or do not, there is no try” – Yoda
I did not understand the full meaning of this quote until we talked about it in this class. You either do something, or you don’t. Trying is not an action (although, I have to disagree in some cases).

You either do or do not do your homework. Your teacher doesn’t care if you tried.
You either do or do not graduate. Your employer doesn’t care how much you tried.

The cases I disagree in ignoring “trying” are in elementary school situations, or when people are trying to lose weight. When the only person the individual is trying to please, and the only person who will benefit from the situation is the individual, itself, is when trying matters. In which case, trying matters A LOT.

For the most part, though, you either do or you don’t.

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Hateful World

For me, it is easy to be reminded of how much hate there is in this world. It is easy to be reminded of the hate, and it is easy to be reminded of how the hate hardens people.

It is sad to see people be hardened by the hate, and to turn into hateful people themselves. I, myself, am affected by this hateful world and am disappointed in myself when I let it get to me. Allowing others and the action of others to alter my morals, actions, general being, and soul, is not honest.

I am not a hateful soul. Hate accomplishes absolutely nothing. Hate only spreads more hate. Similar to happiness can only spread more happiness. I aspire to be a loving, caring, and compassionate person. I want to be a “safe place” for other people. I want people to feel like they can come to me and talk to me about anything. I needed that when I was younger and it’s comforting when you finally find someone who won’t judge you no matter what, and will listen when no one else will.

I told a friend that I aspire to be like Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and Nelson Mandela. I do not dream of doing exactly what they did, but to hold qualities that they also held. My friend told me that Ghandi beat his wife. I feel that even this person is effected by the negativity in the world. Do we forget all of what Ghandi did because he did terrible things, too? He was human and made very poor decisions like other humans did.

I am reminded of the good in the world in simple ways, at random times. While I was out skating the other evening, a game was played and a man (probably around his 40’s or 50’s) won. He then flagged down a little girl and her father to join him in receiving the prize, and told the little girl that she had won. Knowing that one of the prizes is a “free pass” into the rink, and that the man could have benefited from it, but still gave it to the little girl and her father, was heart warming to me.
On the same evening, there was a motorcyclist right outside my house, pushing his motorcycle when my father and I left to go skating. We talked about the man but my dad still pulled out of the drive way. Before we made it down the road, my dad turned around and decided to ask the man if he was okay and offered his help. As I watched from the car, it was heart warming to see the broken down motorcyclist smile, and offer his hand. It was also a heart warming moment because I believe my dad has allowed this hateful world to effect him and make him a harder, colder person. It’s nice to be reminded that everyone is just a person, and that we are all on the same playing field.

Why do we spread hate and not love?

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Mean Girls

Mean Girls is a very popular film especially among young folks in my age range. For anyone who is unfamiliar, the movie is a comedy about a teenage girl who moves from Africa to America, going from homeschooling to public high school and understanding the social do’s and don’ts (essentially).

Many people find the movie humorous and quote it a lot; “She doesn’t even go here!”, “Oh my God, Karen, you can’t just ask someone why they’re white!”, and “Four for you Glen Coco! You go, Glen Coco” are just a few.

But does anyone walk away with the true meaning of the movie? Does anyone realize what Cady is saying at the mathlete competition? “Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George’s life definitely didn’t make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.”

Does no one realize the valuable message that is trying to be given to the youth? There is no point in putting others down, it does not make you any better. If you want to be a good person you have to do it all on your own. Calling someone fat doesn’t make you skinnier, you putting in the effort to lose weight makes you skinnier. Calling someone dumb doesn’t make you smarter, you putting in the effort to study and pay attention makes you smarter. Saying untrue things about other people doesn’t make them worse, it makes you worse. All you can do is fix yourself, who you are, and how you respond to things.

Is it that difficult to grasp? There is a movie based on being a good person and, still, no one seems to get it.

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Burdening Others With Your Own Problems

I don’t understand why individuals feel the need to tell other people their negative opinions of them. Hasn’t anyone heard of the phrase “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”?

Furthermore, why should your opinion of me triumph my own opinion of myself? Why do you think you are such a special snowflake?

Saying something as sophomoric as, “I don’t like your shirt!” is almost like saying “The jerk store called and they’re all out of you!”

And, Surprise! You will see an unbelievable amount of things in your life that you won’t like. You’ll also hear, smell, feel, and taste lots of things that you won’t like. And, like everybody else, you will have to deal with it. When you find a career, and your boss has you do something that you don’t like, will you throw a tantrum and tell your boss how much you don’t like it? Or will you just cooperate?

If someone down the street is wearing something you don’t like, do you feel compelled to tell a stranger that you don’t like what they are dressed in?

What problems is this individual troubled with that allows them to think that it’s okay to continue on and treat people as though they are less than? Is it not important to reflect on yourself?

It is frustrating. I have/am overcoming a lot of my own problems, insecurity and jealousy being two of the many. I thought I would be free of these problems as soon as I dealt with them, myself. But, no. I am burdened with pathetic teenager’s same, perhaps more extreme, problems.

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Who Owns Your Happiness?

It has come to my attention that most people seek their own happiness within other people. I am guilty of it, and at some point in everyone’s lives, I think everyone is guilty of it. This saddens me greatly.

Personally, I have weird feelings on happiness. Sometimes, I feel that happiness isn’t something you achieve, but it’s a life style.

Happiness, to me, is deciding to appreciate the small things, even when everything else seems to be falling apart. And when even the small things seem to be catastrophic and awful, choosing to laugh about them. So far, my college career has involved me making fun of all of the silly things that I do, and enjoying the laughter and comfort of others from my dumb-doings. Happiness is a very forced decision. I believe an individual has to want it deeply. I believe it takes great focus and motivation, especially for those who are convinced that the world is a terrible place (which, it’s hard not to be convinced of that, nowadays).

Happiness is not easy, by all means.

Only you know what makes you happy. Only you know everything that makes you shine on the inside. And only you can make things happen for you. As soon as you assign your happiness to someone else, you are allowing yourself to essentially be a slave to that person. You are the driver on your own road of life! Take the wheel!

I also feel that you cannot feel happiness if you do not feel the full spectrum of feelings. I discovered this when I was medicated for anxiety for many years. I must’ve tried somewhere near twenty different psychological drugs to numb my anxiety. They tried anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, and bipolar medication when I only had two anxiety disorder diagnosis. These medications made me into a person I was not (and never would be). I would either feel everything at once, or nothing at all on these medications. It was this experience that made me hate any and all altering substances (aside from caffeine, God bless). It was then I knew that the best way to get better, and the only way to feel happiness for me, was to deal with everything as it came in the most natural way. The unmedicated way.

In my experience, I find that denying yourself of negative feelings is also denying yourself of the equal and opposite feelings you could be experiencing.

It is important to take note of the things in life that make you happy. One time, when I was not doing well emotionally, I made a list of the things that made me happy. Just to remind myself that there are things that make me feel good on the inside, and I need to focus on those things. Sunrises, sunsets, coffee, pizza, piano, etc. etc. It is important to feel emotions, and to remember that nothing is permanent (both good and bad) and to appreciate what you can. A person can make you happy, but they do not, and should not, be the owner of your happiness.

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