I think it is easy to say that I am in a transitional part of my life. I am a twenty-year-old woman in college, trying to find my way. It’s difficult, and I don’t like it to say the least.
I have been struggling, emotionally, for a while now. This past school year was particularly difficult for me. I struggled with, what I would label as, depression, and these feelings have seeped into my summer. Friends and family encouraged me to see a therapist at school, because they are free and readily available up there. I knew I needed to see one, because my feelings were definitely getting in the way and my go-to coping mechanisms were only self destructive. But I made excuses.
“I don’t have enough time” (which, by the way, I still feel to be true…being a college student who is also a perfectionist is very time consuming)
“They aren’t helpful”
blah blah blah.
So this summer I went back to my therapist I saw seven years ago, go me. It was actually a really good decision, because he knows my history, so I don’t have to jump to a new person, explain all of my past, and where I’m at and all of the complexities around that. He’s been helpful and I really appreciate him as a person. Therapy is a far more positive experience when you are ready to be helped and you want to work WITH your counselor instead of against.
Long story short, I’m generally unhappy with my life. It feels like I will deal with one hardship, finally overcome it, only to be faced with another hardship. I’m really good at taking responsibility for my actions, and I can’t help but blame myself for putting myself in these situations. Which isn’t necessarily healthy, probably.
The truth is I don’t really know what I want and I don’t think a lot of people know what they want. But my therapist said something profound that I want to share with my peers who may also be feeling lost, unhappy, or unsure of themselves.
“I don’t know what I want, but I don’t think this is it”
And I think that’s okay. In fact, I think that’s kind of great. Because I have learned through my negative experiences what I don’t want. My world is so small, that the things I think that I don’t want are just as small as my world. I realize that my dislikes and the things that I don’t want may be things I don’t even know about yet and my negative experiences teach me that. A weak example would be that, I didn’t really have an opinion on working with children as a career before, because working with children wasn’t really part of my world. After taking my childhood development class this previous semester, I found out that I don’t want to be dealing with unruly children in whatever I do (I’m pretty sure working at a daycare or being a teacher isn’t my thing). It doesn’t mean that I am sure of what I want to be, but it definitely helps narrow down what I want. And that piece of information is helpful.
I don’t know what I want but I don’t think this is it.