Remembering Me

I feel like I have forgotten who I am to an extent since I started college in September. I am disappointed in myself because of this. I feel like I lost/forgot who I was because of some of the people I hung out with. I am uncomfortable with change to begin with, much less negative change (or so I feel.)

I feel that I used to be more genuine and gentle than I am now and I miss that version of myself and am working towards being that person again. Though, I fear that the world has already gotten to me and has started hardening me, something that I find has been irreversible in other people.

I think that my feelings of losing and forgetting who I am might be contributing to my depressive feelings.

This weekend, I was briefly reminded of who I am, or used to be, when I binge-watched Band of Brothers. Band of Brothers is an HBO mini series that tells real stories of real American Veterans from World War II.

I am fully aware that I do not experience the emotional (or physical!) pain that these men experienced. But I felt for these men very much. I do not care how corny it sounds.

I got very mad at Hitler for being such an ass hole and for hurting and killing so many people; American soldiers, German soldiers, and of course the Jewish, Polish, and the gypsies. I already knew what Hitler did before watching the series, but I was reminded of how real the situation was and how brutal Hitler was.

I felt particularly bad for the American soliders whose stories were being told. As a viewer, you learned more about how much they had to sacrifice. I felt bad for the German soldiers as well when I reminded myself that some of them were just kids who may not have believed in what they were battling for. I felt bad for the frontline medic who had to see so many terrible things. I felt bad for how cold the soliders were in the winter, how they lacked supplies at times, were unprepared, and what they had to witness because of a draft.

In a nutshell, I was reminded of how much I desire justice in this world. How simpler things would be if war didn’t occur. It is probably impossible to avoid war altogether, but to think that so many people are hurt and killed because of a single bigoted ass hole is so cruel and unfair.

I was reminded of how much good I would like to do in the world. I know that I am only one person, but if everyone were to have the same mentality, nothing would get done.

I was reminded that so many people have sacrificed themselves and have done so much for me, and that the least I can do is to show them some respect.

I was reminded of the genuine, gentle person that now lives deeper inside me than it used to be. But it was resurrected, so it still exists.

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Underage Drinking

I am a nineteen-year-old girl who opts for a life free of alcohol and drugs. I have made this decision and continue to make this decision for many reasons that do not need to be discussed. I do not have fabulous ideas for my twenty-first birthday, in which I will legally be able to drink in America. I don’t even know if I will drink at all during my twenty-first year of life. Alcohol and drugs are not important to me.

I am also a nineteen-year-0ld girl from a small town in Maine. As I grow older, I learn that small town mentality is awful. Everyone seems to know everyone else, and if your family has a bad reputation, you can’t seem to grow out of it. However, there are instances when I am grateful for small town mentality.

In the past year there have been a lot of drinking parties busted in my area. There hasn’t been a rise in drinking parties, rather, I actually know the people who are getting busted. The local newspapers write about the drinking parties, who was caught drinking, who furnished the place, and sometimes even more scandalous details. Whiny parents tend to complain on social media that these 18+ year olds should not have their names in the paper for underage drinking. The 17- crowd is left unnamed, why not the 18 and up?

I know my opinion may be unpopular, especially since I am one of the few people who chooses not to underage drink and doesn’t have plans to drink when it’s legal. However, I am very happy that the people who underage drink have their names in the paper for the public to see. Sometimes I even think that the children under seventeen should be identified. I think this because these children are trying to be “grown up” and “adults.” They think they are doing something big and bad, and sometimes the only thing that can cure a bad habit is humiliation. Maybe realizing that, although they may be doing something fun that adults do, adults can also get their names in the newspaper for doing undesirable things.

People in nearby areas think it’s outrageous that party-goers are being shamed. Most people drink while underage and it just so happens that certain people get caught every now and then. “Live and let live.” Leave the party-goers alone! If these individuals really, and I mean really, didn’t want their names in the paper for crimes, they wouldn’t do them. It’s that simple! Normalizing underage drinking by saying that “most people” do it makes it so we coddle and protect those who are consciously deciding to do something they aren’t supposed to do. We enable the people who are already making poor choices to continue making more choices when we try to normalize underage drinking, and it seems as though we are also telling the younger generation “it’s okay, if everyone does it, you can too! No matter how wrong it may be!”

Don’t want to get in trouble? Don’t do any trouble!

Don’t want to be in the newspaper? Don’t do anything to get yourself in the newspaper!

I know it may seem heartless to lack sympathy for these people. But they didn’t follow the rules, so they face the consequences. Why should I treat them like a special snowflake, when I bother to follow the rules?

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Be Yourself.

A lot of things irk me, I will admit that. But when people talk about being themselves, it really hurts me. Physically. I ache when I hear people talk about being themselves for the most part.

You see, I’m aware that a lot of people (mostly young people) try to be different. But by attempting to be different, you are ignoring how different you are. You are the opposite of different if you are trying to be different. You are the same.

For example, I see lots of young girls chase fads in groups. Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with chasing a fad. You are your own person and if you happen to like a fad, by all means, chase after it! And, if you don’t like a fad, don’t chase after it, it’s that simple! But I have taken note that a lot of young girls get their noses, tongues, or belly buttons pierced in the name of teenage angst. They are trying to be different by being the same? The whole door-knocker piercing seems to becoming popular because it’s “edgy” and “different” but when people get it, they are being different by being the same. An oxy moron, don’t you think? This applies to all fads for both men and women.

I am also bothered by the fakeness of people. People try to be fake in an attempt to be accepted by their peers, when in reality, being fake only pushes more people away. I know I’m a little late on the Fake-People Train because I didn’t go to high school and I am newly exposed to this through college.

It seriously bothers me when people say they can “finally be themselves!” or some variant of that. I understand, that for some people, there is a break-free, monumental moment in their lives. By all means, celebrate! When I functioned as a college student last year after not going to school for seven years, I internally celebrated because it was a sign that I was no longer controller by my emotional issues. So I get that.

Otherwise, no one is preventing you from being you other than yourself! No one is forcing you to act a certain way, to have certain interests, to dress a certain way, or to do anything! If you aren’t doing what you want to, it’s because you are fearful, insecure, or what-have-you. Blaming others for not being able to be yourself is like blaming your mug because your coffee is too hot.

There is nothing wrong with being yourself and there is nothing wrong with following trends! But if you are unhappy with what you do, then you have the wheel, and you need to take it instead of allowing your fears and insecurities to control you.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others” – Marianne Williamson

The most eloquent way of saying “Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle.”

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Depression

I have been finding it incredibly difficult to write in here. I have been battling depression (we can call it “depressive behavior” since it is undiagnosed) for a few uncounted months, now. It is difficult to find motivation to write in here, much less, find an interesting topic to write about. It is difficult to find something interesting to talk about, when nothing really interests you for any significant amount of time.

So I am going to talk about the depressive behavior I have been experiencing.

I have been experiencing dramatic and predictable mood swings throughout the day. During the day I tend to get bursts of anger, intolerance, and impatience for little reasons. At night, I tend to get sad, sorry, and feelings of guilt. It makes sense to me that I would get more sensitive at night when the sky is dark and I am more alone, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

It is hard to deal with these mood swings for many reasons. I know that I am not an angry, hateful person that I appear to be. I know that I am a loving, compassionate, caring person who is sensitive towards other peoples needs. I can see myself act like a different person and I feel as if I have no control over it.

It is difficult to deal with the sorrowful feelings at night. All of the angry feelings felt during the day are reflected upon. I know that, because of my depressive behavior, I am acting more on emotion than on intellect or rational feelings and I am disappointed in myself. It is no fun to cry yourself to sleep or to have deep feelings of self hatred.

The worse thing about all of this is that I do not know why I feel this way. I wish I could enjoy the sun and everything that summer has to offer in these few short months but I feel like I can’t enjoy it to the fullest extent.

Looks like a therapist will be sought after when school starts.

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Quote Journal

When my first year of college started I inadvertently put off journaling (in my personal journal) because of my new, busy life. I plan to take it up again sometime, it just doesn’t feel quite right yet.

Even though I kept, and continue to keep, my old journals, I almost never read my old entries. I find it embarrassing to review times in my life where I thought and felt so differently. It’s almost like two different people.

But today, I was talking with someone and they brought up the fact that I love quotes. And asked me if I kept my favorite quotes anywhere, and if so, where?

I have kept a quote journal for about a year now. I love it for so many different reasons. For one, it’s a way to keep nice thoughts that I can relate to or wish to live by. It’s also a nice reference book for when I need to write papers in school, or when I decide to write in here. My quote journal, I realized today, is also a nice, general way of documenting my feelings through time without being too embarrassed. Somebody else said the words that described my feelings in the time. Therefore, I can read it over and over again and remember that other people can relate, too. Also, a famous person from ages ago felt what I am feeling now, or felt three months ago. That connection is cool to me.

I heavily encourage people who enjoy quotes to keep a quote journal.

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Frustration and Other Therapies

In all honesty, I have been struggling with depression for the past few months. Since I have dealt with a couple of anxiety disorders for eight years, it hasn’t been completely uncommon to experience bouts of depression. Psychiatric disorders tend to come in groups or pairs. Although I have never been diagnosed with depression, it’s pretty safe to say that I deal with it from time to time.

Naturally, I’ve been experiencing the symptoms of depression. I have little desire to talk to or interact with people. Although I am already introverted, the desire to not interact with people is far more intense than normal and isn’t exactly rational. I can’t bring myself to text people back, and it’s a chore to bring myself skating sometimes. I know that, since it feels like a chore to go skating (skating is a hobby I really enjoy) that it means I should go even more. I feel “numb” on an emotional level, and I spend a lot of my evenings crying. I’m also pretty irritable, among other symptoms.

Alas, this post is not about depression.

I have been making great efforts to live a healthy lifestyle, both emotionally and physically speaking. I know that I need to go skating (because I don’t want to), see friends (because I don’t want to), be outside, and play piano. I also make efforts in other areas.

So, I’ve been doing piano. I’ve taught myself little ditty’s, but I have decided to teach myself a song that I have enjoyed since the beginning of freshman year. I want the song to remain unnamed until I finish it.

I have tried to learn this song on many occasions but have found myself too frustrated to continue.

The frustration has not gone away with time. Learning this song is still incredibly annoying. I get so angry at the piano that I will stop to yell incoherently or bang the keys. Yet this is somehow therapy? I do not understand.

I have surpassed the frustration where I want to quit learning the song and have gone right into the frustration where, if I don’t finish learning the song, I will go completely insane.

It better turn out nice!!

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Try

This past year was my first year of college. I was in a special program where some of my peers and I were required to take a class to understand how to be a good student. The major focuses were being motivated, being positive, and knowing yourself. When I took the class I found it a complete waste of time. A bullshit course, if you will. Looking back on what we learned, I find it inspirational and worthy of my time.

I know it’s a popular quote, but a quote was presented in my class, “Do or do not, there is no try” – Yoda
I did not understand the full meaning of this quote until we talked about it in this class. You either do something, or you don’t. Trying is not an action (although, I have to disagree in some cases).

You either do or do not do your homework. Your teacher doesn’t care if you tried.
You either do or do not graduate. Your employer doesn’t care how much you tried.

The cases I disagree in ignoring “trying” are in elementary school situations, or when people are trying to lose weight. When the only person the individual is trying to please, and the only person who will benefit from the situation is the individual, itself, is when trying matters. In which case, trying matters A LOT.

For the most part, though, you either do or you don’t.

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