I feel like I have forgotten who I am to an extent since I started college in September. I am disappointed in myself because of this. I feel like I lost/forgot who I was because of some of the people I hung out with. I am uncomfortable with change to begin with, much less negative change (or so I feel.)
I feel that I used to be more genuine and gentle than I am now and I miss that version of myself and am working towards being that person again. Though, I fear that the world has already gotten to me and has started hardening me, something that I find has been irreversible in other people.
I think that my feelings of losing and forgetting who I am might be contributing to my depressive feelings.
This weekend, I was briefly reminded of who I am, or used to be, when I binge-watched Band of Brothers. Band of Brothers is an HBO mini series that tells real stories of real American Veterans from World War II.
I am fully aware that I do not experience the emotional (or physical!) pain that these men experienced. But I felt for these men very much. I do not care how corny it sounds.
I got very mad at Hitler for being such an ass hole and for hurting and killing so many people; American soldiers, German soldiers, and of course the Jewish, Polish, and the gypsies. I already knew what Hitler did before watching the series, but I was reminded of how real the situation was and how brutal Hitler was.
I felt particularly bad for the American soliders whose stories were being told. As a viewer, you learned more about how much they had to sacrifice. I felt bad for the German soldiers as well when I reminded myself that some of them were just kids who may not have believed in what they were battling for. I felt bad for the frontline medic who had to see so many terrible things. I felt bad for how cold the soliders were in the winter, how they lacked supplies at times, were unprepared, and what they had to witness because of a draft.
In a nutshell, I was reminded of how much I desire justice in this world. How simpler things would be if war didn’t occur. It is probably impossible to avoid war altogether, but to think that so many people are hurt and killed because of a single bigoted ass hole is so cruel and unfair.
I was reminded of how much good I would like to do in the world. I know that I am only one person, but if everyone were to have the same mentality, nothing would get done.
I was reminded that so many people have sacrificed themselves and have done so much for me, and that the least I can do is to show them some respect.
I was reminded of the genuine, gentle person that now lives deeper inside me than it used to be. But it was resurrected, so it still exists.